140

Well, I have made it to 140 days post surgery. How do I know it's 140 days? Nah, I don't sit and obsess over it and count...I happen to have a great App on my Touch that's called "Days Until...". Before the surgery I programmed in the date of surgery and the App counted down the days for me. Oddly enough, that helped me get ready for the surgery as I saw the days physically counting down before my eyes.

Well, the App keeps counting and now there's a minus sign before the number signifying the days that have past since the surgery! Pretty cool!

So every now and again I check it out and find significance in the number of days past...140 seemed like a nice time to post again!

I actually wrote a great post right before Thanksgiving...I detailed all of the things that I was thankful for: in sum, that I was feeling so great and that I had so much support and love during and after my surgery. Alas, that post was mysteriously lost in cyber-space and I felt too dejected by that happening to write my thoughts out all over again.

So here I am. I feel great, no complaints. I still recognize this surgery as being life altering in only positive ways. I am completely "into" swimming and am now up to doing the back-stroke, which I am proud of! My scars are still brown and can get a little angry every now and again and even swell up a little bit...but that's no biggie.

The hormone thing is working itself out-- I hadn't posted this initially, but I was having some trouble with boob-pain (like bad PMS boobs) which was lasting for weeks on end (ouch!). It's getting better, thankfully.

Holiday madness is here and I'm trying to keep up with it just like the rest of us. Not my favorite time of year- at all.

That said, I hope that those reading this enjoy the season and that you all have a healthy New Year. 2010...can you believe it? Why does it feel like yesterday that we were all worried about computers crashing at the start of 2000?

Have a good one and be healthy.

The Belly Band is Back

Yeah. Sorta sucks, but I guess with the kid running into me and then doing activity (swimming and such)I got my swelly belly back again. It's more on my left side than my right, but it's back and I guess it goes to show that I really am still recovering, even though it's day 95 post-op.

I feel a little down because it's a set-back, and that sucks big time. It could be worse though...and that's what keeps me going. Of course the thing I hate to do is slow down again now that I've been feeling so good. It's hard for me to give myself the time that I need to heal again.

I am not going swimming today, I didn't go yesterday. I have worn the belly band while I'm walking or doing stuff around the house- tomorrow I will try and swim again just taking it easy in the water and probably doing more running in the pool than actual kicking and such. I'll get my workout without stressing my abs as much.

Grumble grumble.

3 Months...

Hey- I made it to the 3 month mark.

Some good news: I have tried flippers in the pool. Sounds crazy, I know, but they are awesome! Not only can I make it down the lane in about two seconds, but they are adding to my workout in a really great way. It's quite a workout for your legs when you use flippers.

On a not so good note: A kid ran...full speed into me (and my stomach!) the other day. I was surprised how sore I got and still am...and I am bummed out because I feel like I've had a little set-back. There's this one section of muscle that was sore for quite a while after the surgery-- and although it was nothing huge, it was annoying that it hurt for such a long time afterward. Hurt isn't the right word...more like a pulling sensation in the muscle itself.

Regardless- that pulling feeling had just gone, and now it's back again and it ticks me off. I was feeling so good, plus it's a real shock to me that I was still able to get injured just because someone ran into me. I guess there's still a lot of healing taking place even though I thought it was over and done with.

Either way, I am at the three month mark as of tomorrow. It feels like such a distant memory. The surgery is still the best thing I have ever done for my health.

Me in my Cap.

Heee heee! But seriously! I love swimming! After just a few weeks I can feel that my endurance is so much better...my breathing is better...I feel great.

Swimming is from 7 to 9 PM during the week and it's tough to rally the force within and actually get to the pool at that time of the day. And I seriously can't stand that initial dip into the water- it's brutal. But, I'm finding that I am enjoying myself so much and I feel so good about what I am doing...it's all I need for motivation.

As for the post-op report as of day 70ish: my "swelly belly" is pretty much gone. I'd love to blame my muffin top on my surgery but in reality I don't think I can! HA!

I am not feeling any residual anything that would even indicate that I had surgery two months ago...not a thing. Sometimes when I see the scars on my stomach I'm a little startled-- because that's how good I feel. It's as though looking at them is a reminder that it really did happen, it feels like such a distant memory.

That's a good thing!!

I have such a renewed sense of life and all the things I can do now. I still have that feeling...it's like I'm still on that high discovering what life is again.

My New Favorite Things....

Hello! Here is a list of my new favorite things:

Swimming- I am totally over the hump and loving it. Yesterday we swam for an hour and a half! Woo hoooo!

Rob's home-made soft pretzels- Need I say more?

Shapewear (super fantastic for the after surgery muffin top)

Smartwool knee socks with really nice patterns on them

Yes to Carrots products especially the lip balms

Glee- great tv show that makes me laugh a lot

Maru the cat =^..^=

Having plants in my room at work

Blueberry juice and seltzer

Gravelax

SPACED British tv series starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

My bright blue lycra bathing cap. Yep.

So Far So Good

Work has been going pretty well and so has swimming! I actually still pretty much suck at swimming, but I'm trying to give it a fair chance.

It's brutal getting into the cold water now that the weather is starting to change-- those first seconds when you get into the water-- UGH! It's so funny because your body just doesn't want to do it...it resists with a mighty force, but you go against your bodies better judgement and you force yourself to jump in. It's crazy.

Last night it was funny because there was a swimming club practicing in the center lanes. Rob and I were in the last lane on the left side of the pool and it was like swimming through rapids. The wake that the swim club created was insane and I was fighting it the whole time. I got tossed into the side wall on more than one occasion.

Woo hoo! Fun!!

But hey, it was a good work out and I slept like a baby last night.

Swimmin'

Woo Hoooo! We did our first day of swimming today! It felt really great and I am nice and tired right now. I really enjoyed being back in the water after about...20+ years!! I'm proud of myself for even attempting to get back into the water after so many years!!

After the swim we came home and had some Pasta Fazool, which I made earlier today. It was the perfect meal after a swim on a cold, damp day.

I hope that by this time next year I'm back to being a good swimmer again- like I was as a kid.

One of the Videos...

I finally got a link to a youtube vid about the da vinci robot. It really is worth the watch- it's such fascinating technology.

The lady that narrates this video sounds very "Brave New World-y"...like one of those sci fi voices that are almost too relaxed and monotone...kinda creepy.

The part that amazes me the most is how the doctor manipulates the articulated arms- it's pretty crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNg1S-pupGs

While you're checking it out there are a couple of videos that have been posted of the actual hysterectomy surgery...if you're not squeamish, check one of them out!

Back to Work

So- work is back in full swing and I'm finding that overall I feel great-- if I had to be nit-picky I would say: it's tough getting up early again...and by the end of the day I am tired!

Overall, I feel just fantastic, but I'm noticing that the constant up and down from sitting to standing (and sitting on the pee wee sized kids chairs!!) is taxing my abs more than they've been taxed all summer! Amazing how hard our abs work every day and we don't notice until they're not functioning at their peak.

I'm guessing that it'll be a little while before my endurance is prime again, but rest assured I still qualify myself as feeling great!

In fact, this blog is getting tougher to write because I feel so good-- it's testimony to how quickly healing happens I guess ;-) Not that this blog can't be about how great I feel...but it gets sort of funny just writing "I feel great!" every blog!! HA!

I am looking forward to starting to exercise again and I will be sure to comment on that when it happens.

And....Feminine Protection....

So, I just placed an order on my favorite mail-order drugstore site (drugstore dot com!) and decided to blog about my experience for one specific reason:

On this particular site my shopping list of frequently purchased items is saved as a part of my account information. I often go through the list and just check off the items I need...toothpaste...soap....etc....

Today as I went through the list I was reminded, once again, of how drastically my life has changed over the past month. One of the predominant items on the list were pads.

Always "Overnight" Protection, Always Maximum Protection, Always Super Protection, Seventh Generation Ultra Thin Overnight, Seventh Generation Extra Protection... I had truly become a connoisseur of feminine protection!

All jokes aside- it did get to be torture finding pads that would actually "protect" me. In fact- nothing worked in the end. "Maximum Protection" may well have been a single ply tissue.

It was mildly thrilling to delete each pad from my "shopping list". Ahhhhhhh....

I know I promised the daVinci video links...I'm still workin' on it. ;-)

30 Days

OK, so I have hit 30 days and it's amazing how much better I feel each day. Just when I think I am feeling as good as can be I wake up the next day and feel even better. It's awesome.

So, yesterday I actually watched a daVinci hysterectomy on youtube!! Seriously, it's worth checking out. I was blown away and really pretty glad I watched it after the surgery rather than before ;-) I also sat in awe of how the robot works...I can't even explain it...I will try and link to my favorite videos in my next post just so that anyone interested can check it out.

Having hit the 30 day mark I have also experienced my first month without a period in about 30 years. I don't think guys can understand the scope of that statement. For 30 years, every month...seven days of bleeding plus at least two days of horrible cramps...GONE! No more... Do I miss it? No way. In fact it feels magical and like I can do anything without being encumbered and tripped up by my cycle. I still can't believe it...I can't believe that it won't happen ever again.

Since it started 30 ago I have been at it's mercy--- the first day I got it it was miserable, and every month after even worse...so...I feel free.

One thing I forgot to mention is that I got the pathology report from the surgeon the other day...and it was confirmed by him that I had endometriosis and adenomyosis as well as the fibroids. He also explained the surgery in more detail.

He explained that my fallopian tubes were huge and when I asked him why he explained that they are lined with mucus (ugh I hate that word) and that they periodically "drain" into either the uterus or the ovaries as the mucus flows like cars on a highway. Basically, I had such congestion that he thinks the ports for drainage to my ovaries and to my uterus were blocked; therefore allowing the tubes to fill up and get completely congested.

He also described the calcified fibroids as being hard as a rock in some places, but like grit or sand in other places. He also said that the calcified fibroids continue to grow, which blew me away. Crazy!!

Those are some of the nasty details!

I think about it and I am reminded of one of the things that the doctor said to me that really had an impact...he said "It was time for this to all come out". A simple sentence, I know- but it just makes me think about what was inside of me and how glad I am that it's all a thing of the past.

Next post I will try and link to the daVinci videos.

Post-Op Doctor's Visit

Well I am officially at the 4 week mark and I got back from my post-op check up a few hours ago.

The post-op exam went pretty well. The doctor is very happy with my healing thus far- he had nothing but good things to say.

I am on an exercise and lifting restriction...he doesn't want me to run or jump or anything yet because he said that internally I still need to heal a bit.

I got the go ahead for yoga, though, which made me happy! He also suggested swimming, so I am looking into that (actually Rob is looking into that because he'd LOVE it if we both swam for exercise!!).

The worst part of the visit was the removal of the stitches that were in my vaginal wall. They were supposed to dissolve on their own, but weren't anywhere near dissolving...so he removed them and....jeez I'll be damned if you didn't all hear me screaming!!

I'm not gonna lie: it hurt. I think I squeezed Rob's hand so hard that it blanched.

But, I toughed it out ;-) and took an Advil...and I feel fine right now.

As I was leaving, the doctor said "You're good to go on and have a nice life!" I gave him a hug and thanked him about a million times. I don't think he realizes how much he changed my health and my life.

He has enabled me to go forth and have a nice life...just like he said ;-)
...and that's exactly what I plan on doing!!

Driving

Well, I was able to drive yesterday! Very exciting....really nothing unexpected to report. I was a little nervous at first, but then it was just like "riding a bike"...once you know how to do it, you don't forget and it comes back to you quickly!

One of the things that I did notice is that I felt like I was moving very slowly as I walked around in the store that I went to. I felt like I was moving in slow motion! I still feel like I am guarding my stomach a little bit. I found myself being cautious when I was walking next to people- like they might bump into me or something.

I have no pain to speak of anymore, so it was a curious reaction and I am not sure why my body was reacting in such a way!

But the driving itself was a piece of cake and I am happy to be back on the road. That brings me up to 100% independence once again! That's a good feeling!

Day 20 Post-Op

And I am feeling pretty darn great.

The steri strips have come off of my incisions on my belly and they are looking pretty good. Three of them look perfect- like little lines; the other two (on my right side) look like they could use a little extra Vitamin E Oil...they look thicker and less perfect. No worries.

Despite being closed with steri strips, three of the incisions have a stitch that has shown itself: clear, looks like fishing line, positioned at the corner of the incision. I got up the guts to tug on one of them and it doesn't move. I've read that other women have had stitches appear as well, some say they were able to pick off the stitch eventually (Gak!).

I have a follow up doctor's visit on August 24th and I will just talk to the surgeon about it at that time.

I went out on Friday night for the first time since the surgery- I actually put on pants instead of sweats! My pants did feel a little less tight around the waist area, but not as dramatic of an improvement as I would have hoped for. I am chalking that up to swelly belly....which I had a huge case of by the time that evening out was over.

I've decided that I am going to get some support briefs for when I return to work-- jockey makes a pair of underwear that have a torso support-- I think that will be perfect to help control swelly belly during the work day.

I think I am going to try and drive today!! I'm nervous??? Don't know why! But I will report on how that goes.

Feeling Better!!

Well, after a few days of misery I am back on track and feeling great again. I am now doing sitz baths with Epsom salts and the infection seems to have taken a hike!!

So-- -the sitz bath thing is so tough; because you have to sit there for a half hour at least twice a day with your pelvis under water. Let's make a list of things that I can do while I'm sitting there:

1. Play around on the I-pod Touch
2. File my nails
3. Read
4. .......

I'm already out of ideas and I'm bored to tears sitting there like a rock half submerged in a terrarium. I am driving Rob crazy because after 10 minutes of sitzing I've had enough!

Send your creative ideas! ;-) Let's turn this blog interactive!

Just a Little Frustrated Today...

Howdy. So...I think I figured out the fever: it seems as though some of my stitches are potentially infected.

That said, I have officially come to the most frustrating part of this whole surgery process: the lack of after care provided by the surgeons office.

I didn't expect them to send me flowers...but I do expect them to answer my call when I call them, and I do expect them to return my call when they say they will....and I do expect to get to speak to a person and not a voice mail or answering service...You know- just the little things!

It seems as though that's where this process has fallen apart for me. I know I am a good patient- I am not a pain in the ass, I am polite and respectful, probably to a fault because in today's health care climate when you are nice you get cast aside. I am feeling like that right now and I am extremely frustrated.

Clearly I have something going on that has shown itself as a fever and possible infection, and definitely swelling...so when I call to find out if this is normal-if I'm OK since this was a major surgery- don't you think I should get to speak with a doctor, nurse or resident to help me figure out what is going on?

Jeez.

Setback

Bummer. I am bummed out to report that after doing so well, I seem to be suffering from a setback, hopefully a minor one!

I have developed a fever and some intense, stabbing lower intestinal pain when I have to void my bowel. The pain is excruciating and lasts until my bowel is cleared out. Not sure how the fever plays into the equation other than to say that it makes me feel hot and achy.

I have called the doctor and will post as soon as I know what the heck is going on.

I am really feeling bummed out because I was progressing so nicely and feeling so good. Ah well. I remain optimistic and hopeful that this is just a "normal" part of such a surgery and that it's nothing really bad.

Small Milestones Mean Big Progress!

Hey- I actually got myself out of bed this morning! Yippie!! I was finally able to rotate enough to push up onto my elbow, drop my feet to the side of the bed and hoist my body up. What a great feeling!

So, that said, I feel that I am just about back to 100% independence. The only thing I haven't done yet is drive. I'm thinking that I might try that next week.

This morning I actually even went out and fed the birds. It's so nice to look out and see the gold finches- they've helped my recovery, too.

How am I feeling overall? Well, my abs and torso are still a little sore. The muscle pain feeling has subsided a bit and now I have twinges of tightness that feel like your classic "stitch"...you know the feeling of eating a meal and then going running...you get that twinge of sharp muscle pain in your side? That's how it feels every so often. But it is totally and completely tolerable.

I have not taken any form of pain pill (Aleeve or Advil or Tylenol)for about 4 days now. I have continued with my vitamin C packets and my bromelain enzyme, two nights ago I started back on my Omega 3's.

I can't wait until I can really exert myself physically doing a work-out or breaking into a run...just to see how it feels with my new found energy stores and without the huge masses trampolining in my abdomen. I have to go and see the doctor before I get cleared for that sort of work-out! But that's how good I feel!!

I really feared that with an organ absent from my body my "chi" would feel different...from a Reiki/chakra standpoint I wondered if I would feel empty or like there was a great void inside of me at my belly chakra.

Interestingly enough I feel completely the opposite. I actually feel that the flow of everything inside of me is leagues better- I feel freedom and release. It's pretty awesome.

I am going to go and try to put up a load of laundry and get back into taking care of the house. Maybe I should milk this a little longer...hmmmm....hahahaha!!

One Week Post-Op

I hit the one week mark and I am feeling pretty darn great. It's amazing how our bodies heal.

So, How am I feeling at the one week mark? Well, I still have sore abs- I won't be doing crunches any time soon. It's a feeling I can't quite explain- I guess it feels sorta like I spent waaaaaay to much time at the gym since the soreness wraps around from my abs to my back. Getting up from sitting or from being in bed is still very difficult. I can manage the sit-to-stand on my own, but Rob is still helping me out of bed. Coughing, sneezing, yawning are still my enemy! I have avoided sneezing by pinching myself when I feel one coming on- it really works!

I had some issues with coughing up until very recently- I guess the breathing tube that I had during surgery irritated my throat, and I would get a tickle that would instantly make me cough. Coughing with hurting abs.....sucks!!

Posturally, I can't really tolerate much standing or sitting yet- I need to take breaks and get horizontal every couple of hours. Usually that turns into a nap, which I find that I am still needing during the day. The belly-band (hardcore abdominal binder) really helps a huge amount with my sitting and standing. Without it I think I would be in far worse shape- and I'd be lying in bed far more than I currently am.

Let's talk about swelly-belly. For some reason I thought I could escape it's wrath. HA! Basically, my belly is swollen from the surgery. So, I got rid of a few huge lumps and bumps that made me look pregnant and I traded them in for a belly that looks like a wad of pizza dough. The belly binder helps keep this at bay because it offers some compression to my abs.

My steri-strips are still intact; covering the five "holes" that are healing on my belly.

Believe it or not, I think that I am going to start doing some upper body exercise today- to help with my arm and back strength- no weights, just resistance bands and just a few reps.

Yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone and she asked me how I was "psychologically", which I thought I would report on today: the short answer is that I feel great. The anxiety caused by the fibroids was tremendous and now that's gone and I know my body is healthier for it. How can I not feel wonderful about that? I feel exuberant, in fact.

As for the "no uterus" factor, honestly, that isn't even an issue for me. I guess I was fortunate in that I had worked through any and all uterus/childbearing/womanhood issues...and I am perfectly at peace with the emotional weight that each of those presents.

I don't want to belittle the emotional gravity of this surgery-because it is intense. Many women feel very depressed post-surgery and I can totally respect and understand that. In my particular situation, I can only say that that hasn't been the case for me.

Overall I feel that I am doing really well physically and mentally. The worst seems to be behind me and I am so appreciative that my body is as strong as it is and is healing as quickly and as well as it is!

Ahhhhhhh.

Took longer to get back than I thought! The fatigue factor is pretty high and so is the mental lethargy from the anesthesia. My brain is definitely not at it's peak performance-- it feels strange, kind of like my thoughts are under water and I have to spend time fishing for them, as opposed to them leaping out of the water as they usually do.

I feel very very very good today. Tomorrow is one week post-op and every day really is significantly better than the last. I got up today (Rob is still helping me up from the sleeping position since my abs aren't cooperating yet)and I actually got dressed for the first time; by dressed I mean I put on sweats with a waist band rather than the long tee shirt night gowns I've grown to love during this process.

I ate a great breakfast (the Recovery Breakfast, as Rob calls it: egg whites, vegetarian sausage patties, juice with a vitamin C packet added to it, and a piece of toast) and then felt motivated to go out and walk around my (very small) cul-de-sac two times!!

It felt great.

All of my postural muscles are still not cooperating, so I put my belly band on to give me some support and to help reduce my bad-ass case of the dreaded "swelly belly".

Post-op my stomach was flat as a newly paved road, but the onset of sewlly belly makes me look like something between Humpty Dumpty and the proverbial "beached whale". Ahhhh this too shall pass.

The most amazing thing that is starting to happen is that I am more and more able to realize how much pain and discomfort I was in with such huge fibroids inside of me. I had adjusted so well, I didn't recognize abnormal. I already feel tremendous relief on my left side, down by my hip. It got difficult to lift my leg without an annoying tugging feeling-- that's gone!

I had a numb spot on my left foot, that's gone! The large fibroid that I had protruding toward my back must have been putting pressure on some spinal nerves...and I am very happy that that is now gone.

Imagine having a cantaloupe pressing into your rectum and putting pressure on your pelvic floor muscles; and now imagine not having that anymore. Yeah-- the whole bathroom experience is completely different!!

All in all I am feeling better every day and I am looking forward to tomorrow because I know I'll feel even better than I do today.

Wow.

Wow....that was intense! But I did it! Today is the first day that I am feeling human again, so I thought I would write and catch up.

So the surgery happened at about 1:30pm on Tuesday the 28th. I got to the OR-prep room and was immediately stuck with an IV and put into a gown. I hung out like that with Rob by my side for about 15-20 minutes or so. Then the OR Nurse Anestetist came in and spoke to me, followed by the Anesthesialogist. The Nurse Anestetist came back in and gave me a shot of ver-sed (sp)and I got a wave of being lightheaded. Then I don't remember anything else!

Until i woke up very groggily in recovery, I remember the nurse pulling my oxygen out, and I remember my eyes feeling really heavy.

After that things are so sketchy and tough to recall, until I felt pain for the first time. From then on out I remember just about everything: 6 hours out of surgery being asked to stand up....!!!! Getting the catheter out...Having to urinate for the first time...ugh.

Here are the deets of my surgery: It was complicated! I was supposed to be in surgery for 3 hours and instead it took 6 (poor Rob!). I had several large fibroids and two of the largest ones-the size of canteloupes- had calcified....so two morcellator bits broke! As a result, they had two options; either to cut me abdominally or remove my cervix and go through my vagina (which is what they wound up doing). So I essentially "delivered" (docs words) a canteloupe sized fibroid in bits through my vag-opening.

Ouch.

Right now it is hard to type, so i will probably edit this later- I am still having some anesthesia effects and I still feel a little loopy.

Before I go I have to mention and give major props to Rob-- who has been incredible as a support and as a source of inspiration and great help through this whole ordeal. I'll be back for an edit- I have to hit the hay now-- soooo tired.

I Can Do It...

It was either that picture or the Little Engine that Could, but that Little Engine says I "think" I can...and I just felt that wasn't proactive enough (hahahahahahaha!).

So, we're just about ready to head out to the hospital and I wanted to give an update on my night last night:

I drank the bowel cleanser at about 3:00 and it was interesting...very very sweet. It tasted like Sprite syrup probably tastes.

Right after drinking it there was a knock at my door and one of my friends had come to see me and wish me well. She stayed for a while and then....

....it hit me.

Suffice it to say, my colon is cleansed!

I am pretty dehydrated right now and I keep fighting the urge to grab a frosty glass of water....ahhhhh. I can't wait to have a drink of water later on today...

The dehydration is making me feel tired and out of it. Maybe that's a good thing, so I feel like I'm sleep-walking through the rest of this day.

Speaking of sleeping, I actually slept pretty well last night. I didn't think I would, but I did (thankfully).

I am going to run out and feed the birds, then kiss my cats good-bye and we're off! I'll be sure and update as soon as I am able.

Thanks for all of the good thoughts and wishes ;-)

The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow....

As I sit here and eat a cup of "jello" and drink black coffee...I am thinking to myself that just about 24 hours from now I will be headed to the hospital to remove this dreaded thing from my abdomen.

Last night Rob and I had a great dinner and much to my surprise I picked sushi as my last meal that I would be eating for several days! I might have picked pizza if it wasn't so damn hot out. Anyway, Rob lit some candles and it was very nice, we had a great dinner and then he even got me dessert! Ha! I was stuffed when I went to bed, but figured it was all good since I wouldn't be eating solid food for a few days ;-)

As far as the surgery goes- I am at the point where "surrender" is the catch phrase again. I feel as though I have done all that I could do to advocate for myself and get the best surgery possible. I am confident in the doctor and his team, and so I am a willing participant in the surgery I will have. That said, I also feel that I am going through the motions and that it's out of my hands at this point...it's a little surreal.

I am nervous, but I am also looking forward to this being over and done with. After tomorrow, I will be on the road to recovery and it will be fantastic. A new life.

I will check in later on, maybe after I drink the magic poopie potion (Citrate of Mg).

For now, I'm off to finish my jello.

Last Night I had the Strangest Dream....

I had a dream about being back in cadaver dissection lab and dissecting out one uterus that was intact and "normal" and another one that was pro-lapsed.

What the???

I woke up scratching my head wondering why neither of them had fibroids- hahahaha!

They say that post-op dreams are really bad and bizarre because of the anesthesia, but how can they get any more bizarre than that? Hmmmmm, I guess we'll see!

Today I will re-pack my hospital bag so that it is "overnight". I will take along an extra set of PJ's just in case I have to stay an extra day. My bag will still be heavily loaded with personal care items such as toothpaste, mouthwash, lotion, wipes, etc. because that stuff is really important to me-- I don't want to be offensive to anyone!

So- check out this picture of the davinci robot system. I am really in awe that my surgery will be happening this way. It's hard to believe that the doctor won't be near me as he does this major surgery on me! CRAZY!

6 days!

So I was thinking today...about how great it is going to feel when I don't have this huge thing bulging out of my stomach...pushing my organs out of place, pressing on my bladder...making it impossible for me to tie my own shoes from a seated position anymore...

Can I say that I actually started to get excited about having the surgery!? Yeah, I can admit that there are now fleeting moments where I actually get butterflies in my stomach when I think about this being over and done with really soon! Fear of the process and fear of pain seem to have dissipated and now I am just keeping my thoughts positive-- I am looking forward to this procedure and I am looking forward to my recovery.

By this time next week I will probably be suiting up to head home...ahhhhh, that'll be a happy day.

UT-oh!

Never a dull moment...I think I am starting to come down with a little cold. Of course I am flipping out and want to make sure I am well for next week, so I am busting a move!

I drank down some Emergen-C, took some Defend and Resist, and will go to sleep early tonight. Grrrrrr. I haven't been sick since April-- of course I get something now, right?

Some more cool info.

Some more stuff I forgot to post yesterday that I found to be amazing...the new doctor mentioned that with a fibroid filled uterus my size or larger, up to 20% of cardiac output winds up going to "feed" the blood supply of the uterine beasts! So, rather than being shunted to your muscles and other organs your fibroids wind up sucking up most of that blood. CRAZY!

I can imagine that I will eventually have more energy and that I will really be healthier just by having this surgery.

I think my scars will look cool, too ;-)

Today I went out and got my bottle of Citrate of Magnesium, which I have to drink the day before the surgery to "clean me out". It's carbonated and it's lemon flavored. Sounds good, right? Yeah--- except for the fact that it is basically salt water...so it is really, really high in sodium (450 mg for the 10 ounce bottle) and just tastes like lemon flavored, fizzy salt water. Gak.

I'll have to report on that after I drink it. I was told to have an ice pop first to freeze out my taste buds and then to drink it down. :-/

All for a good cause.

Great news...

Well, I went to the new surgeon yesterday and he said he can do the surgery using the davinci robot! I am beyond happy, because this will make a huge difference in my recovery.

The new surgery date/time is July 28th at 1:00. I will stay overnight one night in the hospital and as long as I don't have a fever- I can go home that next day!!

I will have five 1cm holes made in an arc around my belly button, which will need only band-aids to cover them once the surgery is complete.

Can you imagine? I tell you, this whole situation has been more than I can even express in words.

So, in any case- the count down has started again!! I have 11 days...

Chaos, elation, confusion, etc...

This is how this morning's phone conversation with my doctor went:

"If you were my sister I would tell you to cancel your surgery for Monday and go see Dr. Azodi to see if he can do your surgery laproscopically...which he told me he was confident that he could."

When your surgeon calls you and says this to you, what do you do!?

So..........I cancelled the surgery for Monday and have been on the phone all morning trying to get in to see this other doctor in New Haven.

Final result? I am not having my abdominal surgery on Monday!

Instead, on Thursday, July 16th, I am going to meet with this other doc who is going to examine me and tell me if he thinks he can do it laproscopically.

If yes- then the surgery will be in August. If no, then I will be re-scheduling my abdominal for July 27th.

Here are the advantages to laproscopic as opposed to an abdominal surgery:
*much faster healing time...two weeks as opposed to two months +
*less bleeding
*less pain and therefore less pain killers
*less time in the hospital! one day as opposed to three!
*my organs won't have to be taken out of my body (bladder and intestines you get to stay cozy!!)
*my abdomen won't have to be cut into
*fewer complications, less chance of infection

This is really an incredible turn of events and I am blown away by the timing of this whole thing. While I am not a religious person by any stretch, I am spiritual and I do have my own wacked out version of how I think this universe works.

That said, I can't help but be humbled by this turn of events and I can't help but feel that this is happening because somehow I was heard.

While I do see this as somewhat of a miraculous turn of events, I have to say that it's also a testimony to advocating for myself and finding a great doctor who listened to me...and knew how important a laproscopic surgery was to me. Having a great doctor is huge because she wasn't out to make a quick buck at my expense, and her ego didn't get in the way of her decision to call me and recommend another doc.....

UGH! This is fantastic. I am not getting my hopes up too high...yet....but I will certainly keep posting with the latest info.

Thanks to all of you for your support -Rob, Ange&D, Paul, Mom, Ant, Suz, Steven, Em&George, Edie&Rick, Sue&Craig, Keiko&Obi, Patti, CGK, JoAnn, Robin....all my co-workers and Dad....[I know he's not physically here, but I know he had a LOT to do with this ;-)]

I really do feel that all of your thoughts and good wished helped this happen. It's powerful when people all send positive vibes. So thank you to all of you. Never under-estimate the power of thinking good things and sending good vibes for eachother.

Stay tuned cuz this ain't ova yet! ;-)

You can't make this sh*t up....

Second post today, but I had to do it. Ok...it's 6pm, Tuesday, July 7th. My surgery is scheduled for Monday...right?

Just making sure.

So...it's 6pm. Tuesday. July 7th. Surgery Monday.

My doctor just called me. She dropped a bomb and I am so flustered right now I can't exactly put it all into words but I'll try! Basically, the nutshell version is that yesterday my doctor was at a collaborative meeting with the Yale medical team with which she is a part of. While at this meeting she brought up my case. One of her colleagues in New Haven took a particular interest in my situation and said that he would be willing to see me for a consult because he is 99% sure that he can do my surgery laproscopically.

He is a gynocological oncologist, very familiar with the art and science of laproscopic tumor removal and all it's caveats.

So now I am in a spin. I was all set for Monday and now, I find myself stressed to the max, having to fax this guy my stuff, trying to make an appointment to see him...unsure about whether or not I should get my hopes up... WTF!? This is just insane- but what can you do when your own doctor-- who is scheduled to do your surgery within a matter of days-- calls you up with this info?

I've already pulled a few clumps of hair out- now what?

Here's what I know so far:
*I faxed my info to this new doc a little while ago

*I will follow up with a call tomorrow

*I have to get in to see him either tomorrow or Thursday if not....????? good question!

*New Haven is far away and I know nothing about the hospital, but you can't go wrong with Yale, I guess?!

*Lapro is the way to go...but this is CRAZY! I am seriously spinning. Can we talk about the mental anguish of this whole thing as well? When you get yourself psyched up for something like this and at the last minute you get jerked in another direction- it's intense.

I will fill youze in tomorrow when I know more.

Do you remember this tight-rope walk between the Twin Towers? I swear I feel like that's me up there right now.

6

So last night was a rough night of sleeping. I woke up at about 2am and that was it! I started thinking that by this time next week I will be sleeping in a hospital, hooked up to IV, etc. (Total bummer- because I didn't get back to sleep).

Then Keiko the cat came and purrrred next to me (she always knows when I'm awake!). I was chilling with her, petting her, and thought about the fact that she had the same surgery that I will have when she was spayed! Bizarre thought process, I know. But- that's me.

Anyway, after her surgery she stayed over night in the hospital and then came home and was very lethargic...she slept a lot. Hmmmm. With any luck I will bounce back as quickly as she did :-/ After my surgery, whiskers and a tail won't be all that she and I have in common any more!

Um Hm.

Today I will do my last bit of organizing- I will shop for the last few items on my list and then that's it. I'm going to just relax for the rest of the week and weekend. I will also try to nap and sleep as much as I possibly can over the next few days...except for the pre-op tomorrow. I'll write after that.

7

Got myself a grabber today! I passed on the raised toilet seat-- I just couldn't bring myself to do it (gulp!).

The little old Italian woman at the surgical supply place was soooo nice. She asked me if the stuff was for me and when I said yes she couldn't believe that I was having surgery. She asked me what type of surgery, I told her a hysterectomy and she gasped and said "Why! You're so young!".

You know, the thought has crossed my mind more than once....that I feel too young to be going through this. That I am too young...but in fact, when I think about how I've felt for the past couple of years-- when I really take the time to think about it, and be honest with myself-- I realize that I haven't felt young at all.

I've become breathless on short walks thanks to anemia, I've pee'd in my pants after sneezing and coughing. I've had to turn down invitations to concerts and dinners, I've had to plan trips extremely carefully.

I've had to pack spare clothes for work, I've had to line my bed and sleep on a folded towel at night, I've had to sleep on my back all night long, I've had to put a sweatshirt around my waist to cover up bleeding through onto my pants. I've had to contend with an expanding waistline and pants that are huge on my butt and legs, but that barely close around my waist.

I've had to stop doing every prone yoga posture that exists, I've had to stop my aerobic workouts because the pressure on my bladder is too much. I've had to wake up 4 times a night to go to the bathroom, and continue to go about 3 times per hour while at work. I've had to start putting my foot up onto a chair to tie my shoes because bending with a basketball in my abdomen is impossible. And last but certainly not least, I've had to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on pads- which I go through like wild fire.

I am actually incredibly emotional as I write this out right now- because seeing it in black and white is painful. It has been a rough couple of years and my hope is that when this surgery is a thing of the past- I will get my quality of life back and I will gain peace of mind...and better health.

In reality, I haven't felt young in a while. I've compensated for my bleeding and fibroid hindrances gradually and completely. Each issue was dealt with as it came along and it's not until I see it in writing that I realize how crazy things have actually been.

So.....here's to reclaiming my life. Here's to better health.

And most of all....here's to the little old Italian woman in the surgical supply store who thought I was 35.

:-)

8

OK I'm down to the single digits and I'm trying hard to keep up a positive attitude. The reality of the situation is kicking in. For some reason this week I am now perseverating on the actual surgery: will she take out my intestines? Will she take out my bladder? What will it look like in there...cutting through my fat and then into my abdominal connective tissue. Ugh. My organs are nice and cozy inside of me and they have been for my entire life. Will they get pissed off if they are moved around? Will I need a transfusion? Complications? What will I feel like afterward- missing an organ...? Will I miss it-- hmmmm. Not really! But, the extra space that will be created is strange to think about.

Yeah, so that's where my thought process is- kind of intense, but very realistic. I guess it's just another coping mechanism and another part of my process.

Pre-op is Wednesday, I'll get a physical and they'll take blood and check out my pre-surgery status. It's also where lot of my pre-surgery questions will be answered (I have a whole list of those!). I hope that goes over without a hitch.

And again, I hope I can do this and do it well.

A few thoughts about options...and having them!

I just got back from having a nice breakfast with a friend who has also had a hysterectomy. Hers was done laproscopically- so her recovery was quick and easy. I think she said she was on the couch for two days and that was it. I think I am green with envy. :-)

Those of you who know me know that I tried everything possible before landing this gig with the abdominal surgery (acupuncture, herbal medicine, ayurvedic medicine, homeopathy, Reiki, massage, three different doctor opinions....etc...).

In the event that this blog is ever read by someone who doesn't know me, I think it is important to say one thing to you: research your options and look for a surgeon who is an expert in laproscopic surgery.

Our medical model is sorely lacking in so many ways. One of the worst parts of this hysterectomy experience has been that I have had to do a ton of work and research all by myself. Doctors won't offer you the option of laproscopic surgery or a daVinci robotic surgery unless you ask. Why? It takes more time (about 5 hours versus 1 for an abdominal), there's more liability, it's a tougher surgery to do, many aren't comfortable with it as a technique and have just stuck to the "old ways"...

My advice, if this is ever read by someone who is starting on this journey, is to find an expert who does laproscopic surgery - go and see that person and only forego a laproscopic surgery if that specialist tells you that you don't have a choice (because your uterus is too large, etc.).

That was my issue. It's all too large (20+ weeks in size; or the size of a uterus that is 6-7 months pregnant). Plus I have some sketchy looking ovaries which are also enlarged, so my doctor felt it wise to just get a look at everything rather than start slicing and dicing blindly without knowing how "healthy" my ovaries are.

But the fact of the matter is- I researched my options and found an expert in laproscopic surgery and it was only after she told me she couldn't do it for me that I put the issue to rest and yielded to the abdominal "option".

Greater than 85% of the hysterectomies done can be done laproscopically, and the sad fact is that most of the time they aren't.

It's a very confusing thing being told that you need a hysterectomy and it's unfortunate that in a vulnerable state, you find yourself having to strongly advocate for youself.

Just another unfortunate circumstance of our current healthcare paradigm.

So yeah. I wish my surgery could be anything but what it is going to be...but...I gave it my best shot and I have tremendous trust in my current doctor.

Maybe this information will help inform someone of their options? I hope so! If not- it was an indulgent soap-box moment. Heh heh.

My nest...

Ugh. It's coming fast...13 days. Yikes.

I have been doing yoga, trying to get at some tightness and stress related muscle tension. I will miss not being able to do yoga whenever I want!

I've also been cleaning like a maniac. One of my friends said I was "nesting", which struck me as funny because I associate that with having a baby- yeah, the irony of that is not lost on me...

Whatever the reason for it, whatever you call it, I'm cleaning like a lunatic and it feels good!

I had a real break through in my thinking yesterday: I started to think about the moment that they wheel me into the OR...that moment that is probably the most feared of all... I decided that I really have to do a few things-- I have to connect to the experience when it is happening as well as connecting to the people who will be with me to help me out; I have to observe and try to find the interesting nuances that will keep me on an intellectual plane of thinking (safety zone!!); and lastly and most importantly = I have to surrender to that moment and know that I have the strength to get through it.

One of my friends told me that waking up after surgery is one of the most joyful and unforgettable moments ever. At that moment when you 'come to' and are more conscious, you realize that you've made it...that you've survived and that it's over with. I look forward to that joy- hard to believe it happens when you wake up in pain-- but evidentally it does, and it's a feeling like no other. We'll see! I'll be sure to report on that when I know.

I'm packing a bag to take with me- and that is mighty strange. In it so far is: pads (yes I will still need them for post surgery bleeding- GAK!), slippers, a gigantic tee-shirt nightshirt, and the rest is toiletries- toothbrush, toothpaste, listerine, dental floss, face cleaner, nail file, shampoo, brush, hair ties, lotion, powder, baby wipes... You can see where my concerns lie. I don't want to be an in-patient skank! Hahahahahahaha!! Can you believe that I'm worried about that? Jeez.

OK- that's it for today.

Summer is here...

Today was my last day of work until September 8th when I will be at 8 weeks of recovery on the dot. It was strange packing up my stuff, paying careful attention to how heavy I make the boxes so that I can manage them in September.

I had a co-worker, (who was told by another co-worker that I was going to be having surgery!!), tell me her "nightmare stories" about her three c-sections. I was really annoyed by how rude she was. It's funny how some people are so supportive and others are just total downers and they don't hold back with their bad news.

The bottom line is that this is going to be my experience and mine alone, it may be great, it may suck. But I will get through it and move on.

As far as my state of mind goes-- I sort of wish the surgery was tomorrow. The wait is very difficult it's just more time to think and get worked up.

I will spend the next two weeks checking off items on my loooong pre-surgery To-Do list, including cleaning, shopping, prepping meals and freezing them and catching up on rest so that I am good and healthy for the next two weeks. I am looking most forward to the cleaning-- because that organizes my brain. I am looking least forward to shopping for medical equipment like the grabber, a raised toilet seat...stuff that is going to probably help me, but stuff that I really don't want to have to need. Stuff that will also cost money, $$ which is hard to part with when you are only going to use the stuff short term.

Ah well.

That's my head space today.

Mowing the lawn...

I just mowed the lawn for what will probably be the last time in a year! How much does that blow?!

Stuff...

So today I ordered my "swelly-belly bands" and started writing out my lists of things to do before and after surgery. Simple things like- knowing that I have to organize my clothes so that I don't have to bend to get anything or pull/push any drawers.

I'm trying to think like an OT for myself and it's hard. When I think of something like: "a person who can't bend or rotate their trunk should have a 'grabber' " then I personalize it and say "but...I won't need a grabber because I won't be hurting that bad"...so ya know...it's tough.

Rob and I actually practiced how I would sit up in bed to determine whether or not I need to buy more pillows. Ha! Having surgery is an expensive proposition- all these little things that I find myself having to buy to make life easier: from pillows, to the belly bands, to the lap tray, to the gigantic oversized grannie panties (gak!)...it's a pain in the ass...and I'll probably use the stuff and then want to get rid of it so it doesn't remind me of the surgery!

I'm trying to be resourceful and practical, but not so practical that I neglect to get something that I will really need (like a back scratcher or a "grabber" for things that fall?!?!).

On a side note- today is Father's Day and I just want to take a moment to give a nod to my dad, who I miss very much.

24 days until my hysterectomy...

Am I nervous? Yes. But somewhere inside of me I also feel an odd sense of calm...I guess it's a resolve or a surrendering to the whole process that I hope will make me healthier...knowing that I am doing something about this is somehow making me feel "better".

I haven't had surgery before so aside from the sense of resolve, I'm confronting fears and feelings that are really strange, like being soooo vulnerable and being at the mercy of nurses and doctors that will have to help me when I can't help myself. That's a really tough one for me. I can't imagine being incapacitated. I can't imagine not being able to move freely without feeling pain. I can't imagine being on strong pain killers...a catheter...staples...wound care...uuuugggghhhh.

I can't imagine my body not whole anymore, but in fact missing one of it's parts.

So yeah. There's surrendering and resolve, but there's also a healthy dose of fear and concern about the whole process.

I hope I can do it well. I hope I'm a good patient and that I can handle everything that is going to happen. This is unknown turf.

Good news today is that I got a call back from a PT who specializes in post-c section rehab. C-section is such a similar surgery to the PAH (partial abdominal hysterectomy) she feels comfortable working with me. So part of my recovery plan is to go and see her and get myself rehabbing and healing as soon after surgery as I can.

Testing!

HAPPY BLOGGING!