My nest...

Ugh. It's coming fast...13 days. Yikes.

I have been doing yoga, trying to get at some tightness and stress related muscle tension. I will miss not being able to do yoga whenever I want!

I've also been cleaning like a maniac. One of my friends said I was "nesting", which struck me as funny because I associate that with having a baby- yeah, the irony of that is not lost on me...

Whatever the reason for it, whatever you call it, I'm cleaning like a lunatic and it feels good!

I had a real break through in my thinking yesterday: I started to think about the moment that they wheel me into the OR...that moment that is probably the most feared of all... I decided that I really have to do a few things-- I have to connect to the experience when it is happening as well as connecting to the people who will be with me to help me out; I have to observe and try to find the interesting nuances that will keep me on an intellectual plane of thinking (safety zone!!); and lastly and most importantly = I have to surrender to that moment and know that I have the strength to get through it.

One of my friends told me that waking up after surgery is one of the most joyful and unforgettable moments ever. At that moment when you 'come to' and are more conscious, you realize that you've made it...that you've survived and that it's over with. I look forward to that joy- hard to believe it happens when you wake up in pain-- but evidentally it does, and it's a feeling like no other. We'll see! I'll be sure to report on that when I know.

I'm packing a bag to take with me- and that is mighty strange. In it so far is: pads (yes I will still need them for post surgery bleeding- GAK!), slippers, a gigantic tee-shirt nightshirt, and the rest is toiletries- toothbrush, toothpaste, listerine, dental floss, face cleaner, nail file, shampoo, brush, hair ties, lotion, powder, baby wipes... You can see where my concerns lie. I don't want to be an in-patient skank! Hahahahahahaha!! Can you believe that I'm worried about that? Jeez.

OK- that's it for today.

Summer is here...

Today was my last day of work until September 8th when I will be at 8 weeks of recovery on the dot. It was strange packing up my stuff, paying careful attention to how heavy I make the boxes so that I can manage them in September.

I had a co-worker, (who was told by another co-worker that I was going to be having surgery!!), tell me her "nightmare stories" about her three c-sections. I was really annoyed by how rude she was. It's funny how some people are so supportive and others are just total downers and they don't hold back with their bad news.

The bottom line is that this is going to be my experience and mine alone, it may be great, it may suck. But I will get through it and move on.

As far as my state of mind goes-- I sort of wish the surgery was tomorrow. The wait is very difficult it's just more time to think and get worked up.

I will spend the next two weeks checking off items on my loooong pre-surgery To-Do list, including cleaning, shopping, prepping meals and freezing them and catching up on rest so that I am good and healthy for the next two weeks. I am looking most forward to the cleaning-- because that organizes my brain. I am looking least forward to shopping for medical equipment like the grabber, a raised toilet seat...stuff that is going to probably help me, but stuff that I really don't want to have to need. Stuff that will also cost money, $$ which is hard to part with when you are only going to use the stuff short term.

Ah well.

That's my head space today.

Mowing the lawn...

I just mowed the lawn for what will probably be the last time in a year! How much does that blow?!

Stuff...

So today I ordered my "swelly-belly bands" and started writing out my lists of things to do before and after surgery. Simple things like- knowing that I have to organize my clothes so that I don't have to bend to get anything or pull/push any drawers.

I'm trying to think like an OT for myself and it's hard. When I think of something like: "a person who can't bend or rotate their trunk should have a 'grabber' " then I personalize it and say "but...I won't need a grabber because I won't be hurting that bad"...so ya know...it's tough.

Rob and I actually practiced how I would sit up in bed to determine whether or not I need to buy more pillows. Ha! Having surgery is an expensive proposition- all these little things that I find myself having to buy to make life easier: from pillows, to the belly bands, to the lap tray, to the gigantic oversized grannie panties (gak!)...it's a pain in the ass...and I'll probably use the stuff and then want to get rid of it so it doesn't remind me of the surgery!

I'm trying to be resourceful and practical, but not so practical that I neglect to get something that I will really need (like a back scratcher or a "grabber" for things that fall?!?!).

On a side note- today is Father's Day and I just want to take a moment to give a nod to my dad, who I miss very much.

24 days until my hysterectomy...

Am I nervous? Yes. But somewhere inside of me I also feel an odd sense of calm...I guess it's a resolve or a surrendering to the whole process that I hope will make me healthier...knowing that I am doing something about this is somehow making me feel "better".

I haven't had surgery before so aside from the sense of resolve, I'm confronting fears and feelings that are really strange, like being soooo vulnerable and being at the mercy of nurses and doctors that will have to help me when I can't help myself. That's a really tough one for me. I can't imagine being incapacitated. I can't imagine not being able to move freely without feeling pain. I can't imagine being on strong pain killers...a catheter...staples...wound care...uuuugggghhhh.

I can't imagine my body not whole anymore, but in fact missing one of it's parts.

So yeah. There's surrendering and resolve, but there's also a healthy dose of fear and concern about the whole process.

I hope I can do it well. I hope I'm a good patient and that I can handle everything that is going to happen. This is unknown turf.

Good news today is that I got a call back from a PT who specializes in post-c section rehab. C-section is such a similar surgery to the PAH (partial abdominal hysterectomy) she feels comfortable working with me. So part of my recovery plan is to go and see her and get myself rehabbing and healing as soon after surgery as I can.

Testing!

HAPPY BLOGGING!