I Can Do It...

It was either that picture or the Little Engine that Could, but that Little Engine says I "think" I can...and I just felt that wasn't proactive enough (hahahahahahaha!).

So, we're just about ready to head out to the hospital and I wanted to give an update on my night last night:

I drank the bowel cleanser at about 3:00 and it was interesting...very very sweet. It tasted like Sprite syrup probably tastes.

Right after drinking it there was a knock at my door and one of my friends had come to see me and wish me well. She stayed for a while and then....

....it hit me.

Suffice it to say, my colon is cleansed!

I am pretty dehydrated right now and I keep fighting the urge to grab a frosty glass of water....ahhhhh. I can't wait to have a drink of water later on today...

The dehydration is making me feel tired and out of it. Maybe that's a good thing, so I feel like I'm sleep-walking through the rest of this day.

Speaking of sleeping, I actually slept pretty well last night. I didn't think I would, but I did (thankfully).

I am going to run out and feed the birds, then kiss my cats good-bye and we're off! I'll be sure and update as soon as I am able.

Thanks for all of the good thoughts and wishes ;-)

The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow....

As I sit here and eat a cup of "jello" and drink black coffee...I am thinking to myself that just about 24 hours from now I will be headed to the hospital to remove this dreaded thing from my abdomen.

Last night Rob and I had a great dinner and much to my surprise I picked sushi as my last meal that I would be eating for several days! I might have picked pizza if it wasn't so damn hot out. Anyway, Rob lit some candles and it was very nice, we had a great dinner and then he even got me dessert! Ha! I was stuffed when I went to bed, but figured it was all good since I wouldn't be eating solid food for a few days ;-)

As far as the surgery goes- I am at the point where "surrender" is the catch phrase again. I feel as though I have done all that I could do to advocate for myself and get the best surgery possible. I am confident in the doctor and his team, and so I am a willing participant in the surgery I will have. That said, I also feel that I am going through the motions and that it's out of my hands at this point...it's a little surreal.

I am nervous, but I am also looking forward to this being over and done with. After tomorrow, I will be on the road to recovery and it will be fantastic. A new life.

I will check in later on, maybe after I drink the magic poopie potion (Citrate of Mg).

For now, I'm off to finish my jello.

Last Night I had the Strangest Dream....

I had a dream about being back in cadaver dissection lab and dissecting out one uterus that was intact and "normal" and another one that was pro-lapsed.

What the???

I woke up scratching my head wondering why neither of them had fibroids- hahahaha!

They say that post-op dreams are really bad and bizarre because of the anesthesia, but how can they get any more bizarre than that? Hmmmmm, I guess we'll see!

Today I will re-pack my hospital bag so that it is "overnight". I will take along an extra set of PJ's just in case I have to stay an extra day. My bag will still be heavily loaded with personal care items such as toothpaste, mouthwash, lotion, wipes, etc. because that stuff is really important to me-- I don't want to be offensive to anyone!

So- check out this picture of the davinci robot system. I am really in awe that my surgery will be happening this way. It's hard to believe that the doctor won't be near me as he does this major surgery on me! CRAZY!

6 days!

So I was thinking today...about how great it is going to feel when I don't have this huge thing bulging out of my stomach...pushing my organs out of place, pressing on my bladder...making it impossible for me to tie my own shoes from a seated position anymore...

Can I say that I actually started to get excited about having the surgery!? Yeah, I can admit that there are now fleeting moments where I actually get butterflies in my stomach when I think about this being over and done with really soon! Fear of the process and fear of pain seem to have dissipated and now I am just keeping my thoughts positive-- I am looking forward to this procedure and I am looking forward to my recovery.

By this time next week I will probably be suiting up to head home...ahhhhh, that'll be a happy day.

UT-oh!

Never a dull moment...I think I am starting to come down with a little cold. Of course I am flipping out and want to make sure I am well for next week, so I am busting a move!

I drank down some Emergen-C, took some Defend and Resist, and will go to sleep early tonight. Grrrrrr. I haven't been sick since April-- of course I get something now, right?

Some more cool info.

Some more stuff I forgot to post yesterday that I found to be amazing...the new doctor mentioned that with a fibroid filled uterus my size or larger, up to 20% of cardiac output winds up going to "feed" the blood supply of the uterine beasts! So, rather than being shunted to your muscles and other organs your fibroids wind up sucking up most of that blood. CRAZY!

I can imagine that I will eventually have more energy and that I will really be healthier just by having this surgery.

I think my scars will look cool, too ;-)

Today I went out and got my bottle of Citrate of Magnesium, which I have to drink the day before the surgery to "clean me out". It's carbonated and it's lemon flavored. Sounds good, right? Yeah--- except for the fact that it is basically salt water...so it is really, really high in sodium (450 mg for the 10 ounce bottle) and just tastes like lemon flavored, fizzy salt water. Gak.

I'll have to report on that after I drink it. I was told to have an ice pop first to freeze out my taste buds and then to drink it down. :-/

All for a good cause.

Great news...

Well, I went to the new surgeon yesterday and he said he can do the surgery using the davinci robot! I am beyond happy, because this will make a huge difference in my recovery.

The new surgery date/time is July 28th at 1:00. I will stay overnight one night in the hospital and as long as I don't have a fever- I can go home that next day!!

I will have five 1cm holes made in an arc around my belly button, which will need only band-aids to cover them once the surgery is complete.

Can you imagine? I tell you, this whole situation has been more than I can even express in words.

So, in any case- the count down has started again!! I have 11 days...

Chaos, elation, confusion, etc...

This is how this morning's phone conversation with my doctor went:

"If you were my sister I would tell you to cancel your surgery for Monday and go see Dr. Azodi to see if he can do your surgery laproscopically...which he told me he was confident that he could."

When your surgeon calls you and says this to you, what do you do!?

So..........I cancelled the surgery for Monday and have been on the phone all morning trying to get in to see this other doctor in New Haven.

Final result? I am not having my abdominal surgery on Monday!

Instead, on Thursday, July 16th, I am going to meet with this other doc who is going to examine me and tell me if he thinks he can do it laproscopically.

If yes- then the surgery will be in August. If no, then I will be re-scheduling my abdominal for July 27th.

Here are the advantages to laproscopic as opposed to an abdominal surgery:
*much faster healing time...two weeks as opposed to two months +
*less bleeding
*less pain and therefore less pain killers
*less time in the hospital! one day as opposed to three!
*my organs won't have to be taken out of my body (bladder and intestines you get to stay cozy!!)
*my abdomen won't have to be cut into
*fewer complications, less chance of infection

This is really an incredible turn of events and I am blown away by the timing of this whole thing. While I am not a religious person by any stretch, I am spiritual and I do have my own wacked out version of how I think this universe works.

That said, I can't help but be humbled by this turn of events and I can't help but feel that this is happening because somehow I was heard.

While I do see this as somewhat of a miraculous turn of events, I have to say that it's also a testimony to advocating for myself and finding a great doctor who listened to me...and knew how important a laproscopic surgery was to me. Having a great doctor is huge because she wasn't out to make a quick buck at my expense, and her ego didn't get in the way of her decision to call me and recommend another doc.....

UGH! This is fantastic. I am not getting my hopes up too high...yet....but I will certainly keep posting with the latest info.

Thanks to all of you for your support -Rob, Ange&D, Paul, Mom, Ant, Suz, Steven, Em&George, Edie&Rick, Sue&Craig, Keiko&Obi, Patti, CGK, JoAnn, Robin....all my co-workers and Dad....[I know he's not physically here, but I know he had a LOT to do with this ;-)]

I really do feel that all of your thoughts and good wished helped this happen. It's powerful when people all send positive vibes. So thank you to all of you. Never under-estimate the power of thinking good things and sending good vibes for eachother.

Stay tuned cuz this ain't ova yet! ;-)

You can't make this sh*t up....

Second post today, but I had to do it. Ok...it's 6pm, Tuesday, July 7th. My surgery is scheduled for Monday...right?

Just making sure.

So...it's 6pm. Tuesday. July 7th. Surgery Monday.

My doctor just called me. She dropped a bomb and I am so flustered right now I can't exactly put it all into words but I'll try! Basically, the nutshell version is that yesterday my doctor was at a collaborative meeting with the Yale medical team with which she is a part of. While at this meeting she brought up my case. One of her colleagues in New Haven took a particular interest in my situation and said that he would be willing to see me for a consult because he is 99% sure that he can do my surgery laproscopically.

He is a gynocological oncologist, very familiar with the art and science of laproscopic tumor removal and all it's caveats.

So now I am in a spin. I was all set for Monday and now, I find myself stressed to the max, having to fax this guy my stuff, trying to make an appointment to see him...unsure about whether or not I should get my hopes up... WTF!? This is just insane- but what can you do when your own doctor-- who is scheduled to do your surgery within a matter of days-- calls you up with this info?

I've already pulled a few clumps of hair out- now what?

Here's what I know so far:
*I faxed my info to this new doc a little while ago

*I will follow up with a call tomorrow

*I have to get in to see him either tomorrow or Thursday if not....????? good question!

*New Haven is far away and I know nothing about the hospital, but you can't go wrong with Yale, I guess?!

*Lapro is the way to go...but this is CRAZY! I am seriously spinning. Can we talk about the mental anguish of this whole thing as well? When you get yourself psyched up for something like this and at the last minute you get jerked in another direction- it's intense.

I will fill youze in tomorrow when I know more.

Do you remember this tight-rope walk between the Twin Towers? I swear I feel like that's me up there right now.

6

So last night was a rough night of sleeping. I woke up at about 2am and that was it! I started thinking that by this time next week I will be sleeping in a hospital, hooked up to IV, etc. (Total bummer- because I didn't get back to sleep).

Then Keiko the cat came and purrrred next to me (she always knows when I'm awake!). I was chilling with her, petting her, and thought about the fact that she had the same surgery that I will have when she was spayed! Bizarre thought process, I know. But- that's me.

Anyway, after her surgery she stayed over night in the hospital and then came home and was very lethargic...she slept a lot. Hmmmm. With any luck I will bounce back as quickly as she did :-/ After my surgery, whiskers and a tail won't be all that she and I have in common any more!

Um Hm.

Today I will do my last bit of organizing- I will shop for the last few items on my list and then that's it. I'm going to just relax for the rest of the week and weekend. I will also try to nap and sleep as much as I possibly can over the next few days...except for the pre-op tomorrow. I'll write after that.

7

Got myself a grabber today! I passed on the raised toilet seat-- I just couldn't bring myself to do it (gulp!).

The little old Italian woman at the surgical supply place was soooo nice. She asked me if the stuff was for me and when I said yes she couldn't believe that I was having surgery. She asked me what type of surgery, I told her a hysterectomy and she gasped and said "Why! You're so young!".

You know, the thought has crossed my mind more than once....that I feel too young to be going through this. That I am too young...but in fact, when I think about how I've felt for the past couple of years-- when I really take the time to think about it, and be honest with myself-- I realize that I haven't felt young at all.

I've become breathless on short walks thanks to anemia, I've pee'd in my pants after sneezing and coughing. I've had to turn down invitations to concerts and dinners, I've had to plan trips extremely carefully.

I've had to pack spare clothes for work, I've had to line my bed and sleep on a folded towel at night, I've had to sleep on my back all night long, I've had to put a sweatshirt around my waist to cover up bleeding through onto my pants. I've had to contend with an expanding waistline and pants that are huge on my butt and legs, but that barely close around my waist.

I've had to stop doing every prone yoga posture that exists, I've had to stop my aerobic workouts because the pressure on my bladder is too much. I've had to wake up 4 times a night to go to the bathroom, and continue to go about 3 times per hour while at work. I've had to start putting my foot up onto a chair to tie my shoes because bending with a basketball in my abdomen is impossible. And last but certainly not least, I've had to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on pads- which I go through like wild fire.

I am actually incredibly emotional as I write this out right now- because seeing it in black and white is painful. It has been a rough couple of years and my hope is that when this surgery is a thing of the past- I will get my quality of life back and I will gain peace of mind...and better health.

In reality, I haven't felt young in a while. I've compensated for my bleeding and fibroid hindrances gradually and completely. Each issue was dealt with as it came along and it's not until I see it in writing that I realize how crazy things have actually been.

So.....here's to reclaiming my life. Here's to better health.

And most of all....here's to the little old Italian woman in the surgical supply store who thought I was 35.

:-)

8

OK I'm down to the single digits and I'm trying hard to keep up a positive attitude. The reality of the situation is kicking in. For some reason this week I am now perseverating on the actual surgery: will she take out my intestines? Will she take out my bladder? What will it look like in there...cutting through my fat and then into my abdominal connective tissue. Ugh. My organs are nice and cozy inside of me and they have been for my entire life. Will they get pissed off if they are moved around? Will I need a transfusion? Complications? What will I feel like afterward- missing an organ...? Will I miss it-- hmmmm. Not really! But, the extra space that will be created is strange to think about.

Yeah, so that's where my thought process is- kind of intense, but very realistic. I guess it's just another coping mechanism and another part of my process.

Pre-op is Wednesday, I'll get a physical and they'll take blood and check out my pre-surgery status. It's also where lot of my pre-surgery questions will be answered (I have a whole list of those!). I hope that goes over without a hitch.

And again, I hope I can do this and do it well.

A few thoughts about options...and having them!

I just got back from having a nice breakfast with a friend who has also had a hysterectomy. Hers was done laproscopically- so her recovery was quick and easy. I think she said she was on the couch for two days and that was it. I think I am green with envy. :-)

Those of you who know me know that I tried everything possible before landing this gig with the abdominal surgery (acupuncture, herbal medicine, ayurvedic medicine, homeopathy, Reiki, massage, three different doctor opinions....etc...).

In the event that this blog is ever read by someone who doesn't know me, I think it is important to say one thing to you: research your options and look for a surgeon who is an expert in laproscopic surgery.

Our medical model is sorely lacking in so many ways. One of the worst parts of this hysterectomy experience has been that I have had to do a ton of work and research all by myself. Doctors won't offer you the option of laproscopic surgery or a daVinci robotic surgery unless you ask. Why? It takes more time (about 5 hours versus 1 for an abdominal), there's more liability, it's a tougher surgery to do, many aren't comfortable with it as a technique and have just stuck to the "old ways"...

My advice, if this is ever read by someone who is starting on this journey, is to find an expert who does laproscopic surgery - go and see that person and only forego a laproscopic surgery if that specialist tells you that you don't have a choice (because your uterus is too large, etc.).

That was my issue. It's all too large (20+ weeks in size; or the size of a uterus that is 6-7 months pregnant). Plus I have some sketchy looking ovaries which are also enlarged, so my doctor felt it wise to just get a look at everything rather than start slicing and dicing blindly without knowing how "healthy" my ovaries are.

But the fact of the matter is- I researched my options and found an expert in laproscopic surgery and it was only after she told me she couldn't do it for me that I put the issue to rest and yielded to the abdominal "option".

Greater than 85% of the hysterectomies done can be done laproscopically, and the sad fact is that most of the time they aren't.

It's a very confusing thing being told that you need a hysterectomy and it's unfortunate that in a vulnerable state, you find yourself having to strongly advocate for youself.

Just another unfortunate circumstance of our current healthcare paradigm.

So yeah. I wish my surgery could be anything but what it is going to be...but...I gave it my best shot and I have tremendous trust in my current doctor.

Maybe this information will help inform someone of their options? I hope so! If not- it was an indulgent soap-box moment. Heh heh.